Wacky Wine Reviews

My husband, Peter, is an avid wine collector. Because of his passion, he reads pretty much everything he can get his hands on regarding wine.

The other night, Peter was perusing the Wine Enthusiast Magazine website looking at wine reviews and scores for various wines. Out of curiosity, he started to wonder about the wines which received the lowest scores.

What would it take to be rated so poorly?

The results were hilarious. Please let me present:

Wacky wine reviews

 

Every wine review quoted here was taken directly from the Wine Enthusiast Magazine website. You can’t make this stuff up…

Automotive Attributes

“…hints of gasoline on the nose…”

“…aromas of mocha, tire rubber, herbs and blue fruit aren’t entirely in sync”

I’d call this: one of these things is not like the others. Tire rubber?!?! How could that possibly EVER be in sync?

“…Some pineapple and petrol aromas lead to tart citrus fruit and more petrol on the mouth, with a round oily feel and a lemony finish.”

Yummm! Petrol AND Lemon Pledge!

Animal Attributes

“…A yellow color and skunky aromas are not positive.”

Thank you, Captain Obvious.

“…sour briny, fishy aromas…”

“…Dangerously stinky, with aromas of unclean stable and sweaty horse.”

For those of us who thought professional wine tasters had a pretty cushy job, this is evidence to the contrary. Imagine catching a whiff of “unclean stable” and still having to ACTUALLY TASTE THE STUFF!

Fear not, cat lovers. Your friends are included too.

feline attributes are good, right?

“…A cat-pee, grassy Sauvignon Blanc that’s a little long in the tooth.”

Hint: the “grassy” part isn’t the problem with this wine.

“…particularly strong feline aromas and tastes.”

Purrrrrfectly unacceptable.

Food Flavors

“…This wine has a plethora of green pepper going on, and not in a particularly pleasant way.”

“…Balsamic vinegar, burnt coffee and pepper aromas create a bouquet that’s more like a salad dressing than fine wine.”

Yeah, any time wine is described using the word “vinegar”, you can correctly assume it will not score well. Or taste good.

“…Smells like crushed vitamins, iron and minerals, but no fruit…There’s even some sauerkraut in the mix.”

So….sauerkraut mixed with vitamins. What’s not to like?

“…Smells like a can of green beans, or maybe it’s canned peas. Either way, the nose is a siren call of what’s to come: celery, acid, lime, asparagus and canned peas. No thank you.”

No thank you, indeed!

Backhanded Compliments?

backhanded compliment

“…a nasty wine, dirty, hot and harsh. Almost undrinkable…”

Almost, but not quite.

“…Smells like old peaches…Too strange to recommend, but not undrinkable.”

“…it smells and tastes like plastic wrap, and is very hard to like. But it’s not undrinkable.”

Just how low is the bar set???

Miscellaneous Gems

“…Sketchy right away, with salinic, pool water aromas.”

“…rustic leathery undertones that veer into Band-Aid.”

I wonder if the Band-Aid helps to heal your palate.

“…damp and sweaty…”

I’m not even sure what that means but I know that I don’t want my wine, or my dance partner, to be described as “damp and sweaty”.

“…Reviewers debated whether this bouquet was more redolent of cardboard, green beans or fresh fish.”

I will take none of the above, thank you very much.

“…Not sure what’s going on here but both bottles of this Cab smelled of diesel gasoline, burnt rubber and corn nuts.”

As delicious as they are, I’m guessing that even corn nuts couldn’t save this wine.

See, wine reviews can be both informative and wildly entertaining. The professionals at Wine Enthusiast taste nasty wines so you don’t have to!

What is the wackiest wine review you have ever read? And how would you describe the worst wine you’ve ever tasted? Damp and sweaty, anyone?

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Comments

  1. Sounds like the reviews I get on my cooking from the Mister!

  2. Goodness me! Wacky indeed. Gasoline, burnt rubber and corn nuts? My particular fave has to be the statement that it was very hard to like … but not undrinkable. I’d hate to taste the undrinkable.
    Kelly L McKenzie recently posted…I Wish I KnewMy Profile

  3. This is so entertaining & my special Fave is the wine with aromas of unclean stables & a sweaty horse! Guess you should wear your boots to get in the spirit of this treat!

  4. I have to confess that I don’t think I’ve ever read a wine review — I have a very unsophisticated palate. The worst wine I’ve had would be one that is cloyingly sweet, but I guess I should count myself lucky when I read these – hilarious!
    Seana Turner recently posted…No JudgmentMy Profile

  5. Mo, that was fabulous! I’ll definitely be coming back (this was my first visit)! Is that your “feline” in the photo?
    Jean recently posted…Maple-Pecan Sweet Potato PureeMy Profile

    • Welcome, Jean! Thanks for visiting! We used to have a cat that looked just like the one pictured but I must confess that this picture is from Pixabay, my new favorite source for free stock photos!
      Mo Lux recently posted…Wacky Wine ReviewsMy Profile

  6. Oh my very funny…what is not to love about grassy, tire-musk and sauerkraut. I saw the pool aroma and it reminded me of a time our older son had a bit of a sun burn…we rubbed an aloe vera gel on his shoulders and he said, “Hmm…smells like pool water being swallowed.” We use that description for almost all reviews in our family.
    Beemie recently posted…Party Games…My Profile

  7. Friend commented yesterday that a wine had a “baby aspirin mint casserole nose.” These cracked me up.

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